Four Ways to Improve Your Marriage

Focus on the Family has long been an advocate for strong marriages and families. In the following blog post they share thoughts on how to integrate your spiritual lives into your marriage. It is not unusual for couples to be uneasy in this area of their relationship. Often it is because one of the partners, usually the wife, “appears to be” more spiritual, i.e. more conversant with the Bible and prayer. This makes it even more challenging since (a) men are to be the spiritual leaders in the home and (b) most men do not like to do something they are not good at, even if they have a desire to take such a lead.

Starting slow and seeking out an older couple who is more mature in their combined walk with the Lord is excellent advice. Here is the posting in its entirety.

If you and your spouse find yourselves struggling to give your faith a more central role in your marriage, consider the following suggestions:
1. Start with yourself. A joint prayer and devotional life for a married couple works best when it's a natural outgrowth of each partner's personal time with God. If you haven't been praying and reading the Bible much yourself, begin doing so before moving any further.

2. Don't rush it. If you're the more interested spouse, be patient. Praying together, like any family tradition you establish, must emerge from what both partners agree to and feel at ease with.

3. Start small. Give yourselves time, and don't push it. You might begin by praying at mealtimes. Eventually, you'll feel comfortable going beyond the blessing of your food to remembering the needs of friends and family members.

4. Use the resources available. Do you know an older couple who might be able to serve as mentors or role models in this area? If so, ask them if they'd be willing to help you out. Devotional books, pamphlets and magazines can also provide structure for your prayer and study times.

The Worst Day of the Year

I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
Habakkuk 3:18

You will be happy to know that the worst day of the year, according to English psychologist Dr. Cliff Arnall has just passed. In their blog Moments with You, Family Life shared the following:

If you woke up feeling especially blah this morning, you're in good company. January 24 is now officially "the most depressing day of the year."

Those are the findings of Dr. Cliff Arnall, an English psychologist who specializes in seasonal disorders at the University of Cardiff in Wales. His formula for analyzing such things includes seven variables--the weather, personal debt, monthly salary and even the amount of time since Christmas, among other things--that determine people's feelings of happiness.

He figures January 24 is when credit-card bills start rolling in, reminding us how we got carried away again with our holiday spending. By now many of our New Year's resolutions have fallen by the wayside or at least been riddled with pockets of compromise.

Maybe he's right. Maybe you really are feeling it today. But what Dr. Arnall may not understand is that our joy and contentment doesn't have to be taken away by the bleak clouds of winter or the long wait until our next vacation. As followers of Christ, a settled sense of well-being and belonging can be ours no matter what our set of circumstances.

fig tree

Hear again the words of a man who knew what to do with a January 24 kind of feeling: "Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord GOD is my strength" (Habakkuk 3:17-19).

God is there with you every day of the year.

It is incredibly important to truly believe that God is with you every day of the year and that He is your strength. Unfortunately when we face trials it is easy to doubt that God is in the midst of your trials and that He has a purpose for them. Unemployment, illnesses, strained relationships, financial difficulties, sexual tensions, etc. all challenge us to remember how much He loves us and how He wants what is only best for us. Seek Him in prayer.

Does Anyone Still Sew

In a recent Moments with You blog, Barbara Rainey shared a very insightful thought. Though I appreciated her analogy, i.e. likening marriage to a dress pattern which needed to be sewed, I wondered how many women who are reading this blog would know a bobbin from a buttonholer. Here is Barbara’s posting:

Make this tabernacle and all its furnishings exactly like the pattern I will show you.

Exodus 25:9

Back when I used to do a lot more sewing, I enjoyed looking through pattern books. It was fun to select the style I wanted and then cut out the small pieces of tissue paper that indicated what went where and how everything fit together.


But that's just it--all those little shapes that represent the sleeves and the bodice and the front and the back don't mean anything unless they eventually come together to form an article of clothing. Until the parts are applied in the context of the whole, they never achieve the purpose that was intended for them by the dress designer.


Many times in marriage, all we can see are the pieces. We see the romance part. We see the conflict part. We see the housekeeping part. We see the bill-paying part. We see the parenting part. But because we spend so much of our time focusing on the individual parts of our marriage, we don't always see them in the bigger picture our Designer had in mind


But the pattern is there nonetheless, and it's contained in the package of God's Word.

I want you to be encouraged that the pattern for your marriage isn't something you were responsible for creating. It's not based on feelings that can be strong today and much different tomorrow. The biblical pattern and plan for your marriage was created in the mind of almighty God, whose wisdom is unrivaled and whose love for you is beyond all bounds.


If you keep putting the pieces where they belong, His pattern will start to show. His design will take its beautiful shape in the form of your marriage

Fix My Problems Lord

I’m a huge fan of Dr. Bob Snyder’s Lessons Learned on the Journey, in part because of his willingness to be transparent. He recently sent out the following self exhortation which obviously struck a little too close to home.

As I have prayed regarding this New Year, I realize that I have been asking God to solve my problems, heal my medical issues and fix brokenness in my life - not a wrong prayer but a misguided one. What is shaping my thoughts and prayers? My desires or God's desires?


As I read scripture, another perspective emerges. For some in the early church, problems were a privilege and opportunity to demonstrate their dependence on God. Several themes emerge:

Life is hard. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. (Romans 8:22 NIV)

God's primary concern is to glorify Himself and to mold me into His image. From an eternal perspective, ...our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Corinthians 4:17 NIV)

God is fulfilling eternal purposes in the midst of my problems. In fact, problems may be His intended method. ...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. (Romans 5:3,4 NIV)

I’m certain that there are a number of individuals who, like Bob, prayed that God would solve their problems. More specifically they prayed that God would heal their marriages.

Marriage can be hard but often we make it much harder than God ever intended it to be. And just as childbirth can be painful and produce great joy so too can a marriage.

Marriage should glorify God after all it is to be a reflection of Christ’s relationship to His bride the church. God absolutely uses our marriage partner as part of His plan for our sanctification.

Marriage can present problems that will be used by God to contribute to one’s growth. God is more concerned with our holiness than our happiness but don’t think for a moment that a God centered marriage can’t be filled with incredible happiness.

The Bottom Line

We have done only that which we ought to have done.

Luke 17:10

I recently heard Mark Driscoll, pastor of Mars Hill in Seattle, say that he read 187 books on marriage before he and his wife began to write their book entitled Real Marriage which hit the book stores a few days ago. By all the hype it promises to go into unchartered waters. In addition Tim Keller’s recently released book, The Meaning of Marriage appears to be a must read for those considering marriage and for those looking to make their marriage better.

But I will say that the following offering from Dennis and Barbara Rainey of FamilyLife Today is as succinct and on target as anything you will find on marriage.

When you think about the great humanitarian efforts achieved by the advance of Christianity over the years, you possibly think of hospitals and rescue missions and hunger relief. But perhaps the power of Christianity is proven best every day in homes and families and marriages like yours--when people who are self-centered by nature put their spouse's needs before their own. It's something He only accomplishes in us when we do the following:

1. Put Christ first in all things. When Barbara and I signed the "Title Deed" of our lives over to Christ as a young married couple, we officially gave Him everything that was ours--all rights to our lives, dreams and possessions. Have we ever failed to remember the One who really owns our hopes, dreams and possessions? Sure. But whenever we've been tempted to live for ourselves, we've always been able to look each other in the eye and remember a time when we submitted everything of ours into His keeping and signed that title deed.

2. Give up all rights and entitlements. Paul said, "For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a slave to all" (1 Corinthians 9:19). Not a slave to some, but to all. And just as a slave relinquishes all rights to personal time and desires, we as Christ's followers are commanded to put others above ourselves. It's the only way to be the kind of wife or husband God intends us to be.

3. Be selfless in the little things. Sometimes I don't want to get out of my favorite chair to help Barbara carry in the groceries, sweep the kitchen or clean a toilet bowl. But it's in these minor, everyday moments that we teach our selfish selves who is boss. This is part of what the Bible means when it tells us to "learn to do good" (Isaiah 1:17)--to constantly choose death to self, to always choose sacrificial love until it becomes our first response.

Need by Example

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.Ecclesiastes 4:9

Dennis Rainey shared the following thoughts in his recent blog “Moments for You”.
“(There are) three little words that aren't always so easy to say: "I need you." But sometimes, all it takes to get those words flowing again is just a reminder of how many ways you truly do depend upon each other.

You need your spouse for:

• Honesty - Who else knows you so well and can give you such an honest perspective on things when you need it most?
• Variety - How black-and-white and one-dimensional would your life be without someone to add color and texture to it?
• Encouragement - Who still believes in you when others don't - including yourself? Who helps you remember your uniqueness and significance?
• Togetherness - Who else can multiply your joys, divide your sorrows and add to your experience with God by sharing it together?
• Counterbalance - When you’re going too fast, who helps you put on the brakes? When you’re afraid to take a risk, who encourages you to go for it?
• Understanding - When you don't want to talk, who can draw you out? Who else can force you to be real and authentic with your emotions?
• Parenting - How could you raise your children without someone to temper your weaknesses, complement your blind spots and help reinforce your positions?
• Romance - Who else can share your most intimate secrets, see you at your most vulnerable, yet allow you to express yourself without shame, with pure joy in return?
• Companionship - Who is the difference between doing things single-handedly and doing them together, as a couple?

You really do need each other. And God knew what He was doing when He gave you to one another.

This last sentence is worth repeating, “God knew what He was doing when He gave you to one another.” What a great way to start the New Year by focusing on why you and your spouse need one another.

Are You Listening?

“Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak…”
James 1s:19

I recently received a Family Life Moment with You blog. The topic was one that I am quite familiar with and one that I have probably addressed in a previous blog, that being the need for husbands and wives to be better listeners.

A portion of the blog went something like this:

Many of us (especially us men) are rightly accused of not listening very well. We rarely stop and take time to focus our attention--to really hear--what our spouse is trying to tell us. Instead, we quickly say things like, "That’s dumb, honey. You shouldn’t feel that way. You’re blowing this all out of proportion." Those are statements that come from not really seeking to listen and understand where our wife or husband is coming from.


During serious conversations or conflicts, you need to stop and listen, ask questions or paraphrase what your spouse is saying in order to understand what he or she really means. Asking a good question can often be like an emotional crowbar to dislodge how somebody really feels.

Listening is another way of saying, "You’re important to me, and I love you."


Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. This above is a valuable message for husbands and wives but God had something more personal in mind for me. Over the past few weeks I have heard and/or read no less than three sermons/articles on the importance of listening to God. After each message I have had to say to myself, “Self, this is an area of your spiritual life which you have neglected.” I’d like to say that I have made great progress in this area – I’d like to but I can’t. My rationale for not listening to God is quite simple. I usually have a limited amount of time for my quiet time. Somehow I can’t see myself saying to God “Okay God I have three minutes before I need to be out the door - do you have anything you want to tell me?”

Then the last line of this quote from Family Life hit me between the eyes – “Listening is another way of saying, ‘You’re important to me and I love you.” Ooouch! Have you ever noticed that it seems that God does not always play fair when He wants to get your attention?

Assuming that God is not into texting or tweeting I’d better carve out some time to listen to Him.