Friday, 23 May 2014

It’s Not Always Intuitive – a message to men

 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33 NIV

Let’s assume that you, like me, are an avoider, i.e. you dislike conflict. If you are a male, like me, you are probably clueless and oblivious most of the time.  So if your wife seems to be particularly overwhelmed, frenzied and/or frustrated you will not always know why, and if you are like me, you will attempt to flee.

Here’s where the intuitive part comes in.  Perhaps the best thing you can do at a time like this is to give your wife a big hug. “Are you nuts!? “ That is what you said isn’t it, though you may have used more colorful language.

I would never suggest that I have any great insight regarding the emotional makeup of most women – make that of any women.  What I think is true of some women, because they tend to be more relational than men, is that when they are upset they want to connect relationally.  They want to be comforted, loved and hopefully understood.

And your next question is “Are you telling me a hug accomplishes all of that?”  No!  But it is a start.  As a true, committed avoider, you just want the tension to subside and a hug might accomplish that.  Your next words are very important. They should be something like, “I just want you to know I love you, can I help?”

Remember husbands are told that we are to love our wives as much as we love ourselves.  That does not mean that you treat your wife the way you want to be treated.  When you are feeling overwhelmed, frenzied or frustrated you might want people to leave you alone. 

You might spare yourself some discomfort by asking your wife, at a time when things are reasonably serene, if in fact that would be her preference.  If she says, “no” you will have avoided embarrassment.  If she says “yes” and you follow through the next time the chance presents itself you will have avoided an uncomfortable situation and made your wife feel loved.

For the brave among you, you might even try the same approach if your wife is angry, agitated and/or irritated.  This takes a bit more nerve and could backfire if it should be blatantly obvious that you are the cause of her distress.  A hug from you might be the last thing she wants.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Post a comment