Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Married but Feeling Alone?

One who has never been married might ask “how on earth could you be married and feel alone?”  It is a very real feeling accompanied with an emotional ache.  The causes can be numerous, i.e. communication has severely broken down; intimacy is all but gone; large chunks of alone time due to job, demands on time, etc.  Whatever the cause, you can be assured this is not God’s plan for marriage.  The following are excerpts taken from a blog written by Ed Welch, author, counselor and professor at the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation (CCEF)

Ask for prayer and wisdom from someone who will do more than simply commiserate. No one enjoys asking for help, and it is especially hard to acknowledge personal struggles in marriage. But followers of Jesus speak with our Lord about difficult things and we speak with each other.

Be careful about focusing on your regrets, and even be careful about focusing on your marriage. Your goal is to grow in the knowledge of Jesus and discover how children of God are to thrive. John 10:10 is still for you: “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Bring more scrutiny to yourself than to your spouse. You might have to raise difficult issues with your spouse. The only way you can do this is to first develop expertise in putting your own sins and weaknesses under the microscope while you see your spouse’s with something less than twenty-twenty vision (Matt.7:3-5). Ugh. This one might take a miracle.

Search for the good in your spouse.  When you live with someone long enough you will certainly see the person’s sins, but you will also see things that are praiseworthy…  Consider forgiving your spouse for accumulated wrongs and start over.

Then, after these steps, talk about your marriage with your spouse.  Aim to be concrete (what are the top two specific problems). Aim to be hopeful.

There is a reasonable chance that if you are feeling alone, yet married, your spouse is also aware that all is not well in Camelot.  Perhaps talk in terms of a re-start, regardless if you have been married one month or twenty years.  Start with a shared vision for your marriage.  Ideally that vision includes God for whose good pleasure marriage was designed.  Our marriages are to glorify God – how about that as a vision?


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