Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Say What You Want

In a recently published blog by Mort Fertel (themarriagecounselingblog.com) I came to realize that I am a self-centered, people pleasing, prideful martyr. Remind me to stop reading his blogs. However he raised some very good points having to do with asserting ones-self that are worth sharing with you. He wrote:
Mort Fertel
Are you able to ask for what you want from your partner? Do you think you shouldn’t have to ask? Do you think if your partner really knew you or loved you, he would just know without you having to say it? Think about how realistic it is that your partner can know what you want all the time. Your spouse can’t read your mind and has no idea what you are looking for unless you make it known by asking.

When your partner notices that something is wrong and asks you what’s going on, are you ever guilty of saying, “if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you?” Yikes. If your partner is asking, it is important for you to be able to share. And you don’t have to wait until your partner asks to share your needs.

Do you ever feel like it would be weak of you to ask for something? Or that you shouldn’t ask for help because you should be able to do it on your own? Pride prevents a lot of people from trying to get their needs met. It is important to be able to overcome your pride for the sake of the marriage. Allow your partner to help you.

Are you guilty of not asking for help because you want to be a martyr? Perhaps you want to be able to hold it against your partner later that you do “everything.” Or you think that your partner will hold it against you if he has to help you with something. Teamwork is very important in a marriage and if you are keeping score, you aren’t being a team player.
It is important to learn how to ask for what you want and need from your partner. Otherwise, it isn’t fair to be upset that you aren’t satisfied with the relationship. Allowing your partner to meet your needs is the sign of a healthy marriage

It is at Mort’s last point that we drift apart. Too often we use the word “need” interchangeably with want or desire. We need food and water; we don’t need a new outfit or a sports car. The progression usually goes from a want to an expectation to a need to a demand. If I fail to meet your expectation you are disappointed. If I fulfill your expectation it is no big deal because that’s what you expected. This is more than semantics. By all means make your desires known and be appreciative if they are fulfilled.

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